By Rev. Dr. Lorraine Ceniceros, Conference Minister, Kansas-Oklahoma Conference
Leadership in the church does not erase the realities of race. This prayer comes from serving in a denomination I love while carrying the daily work of belonging in spaces shaped by whiteness.
Tired in the In-Between
A Prayer of Lament
God of truth,
I come to you tired.
Not the kind of tired that sleep will fix,
but the kind that settles into the bones.
I am tired of feeling like I am never enough
for the White people who surround me.
Tired of measuring my tone, my words, my presence.
Tired of wondering which version of myself
will be acceptable today.
I am tired of forms that ask me to choose a box
when my life does not fit inside their lines.
Tired of systems that reduce identity
so they can keep their categories neat.
I am tired of being expected to jump
when told to jump.
To comply. To prove. To perform.
As if my worth depends on obedience.
I am tired of not being “brown enough”
because I do not speak Spanish.
Tired of not being “white enough”
because of the color of my skin.
Tired of living in the in-between,
where belonging is always questioned
and authenticity is always measured.
I am tired of a world
where people are treated as expendable
because they do not fit the mold
of the dominant culture.
God, I am just plain tired.
Receive this lament.
Receive the anger I have been taught to soften.
Receive the grief I carry quietly.
Receive the weariness of generations
who have had to prove their humanity.
Remind me that you do not sort your children into boxes.
Remind me that I am not a problem to be solved
or a category to be defended.
Remind me that I am your beloved,
whole and enough as I am.
Hold me when I do not have the strength
to hold myself together.
Give me rest that is deeper than escape.
Give me courage rooted in dignity.
Give me companions who do not require me
to shrink in order to belong.
Into your hands, God of justice and mercy,
I place this exhaustion.
Stay with me in it.
And when I am ready,
breathe life back into these weary bones.
Amen.
Rev. Dr. Lorraine Ceniceros
Conference Minister, Kansas-Oklahoma Conference
United Church of Christ