Opposite Action

And going a little farther, [Jesus] threw himself on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. He said, “Abba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove this cup from me, yet not what I want but what you want.” – Mark 14:35-36 (NRSV) 

“This is humiliating.” That’s the phrase that always signals my therapist has struck gold. We have arrived at the heart of the matter, and I am primed for a breakthrough. There will be revelation, tears. Sometimes something that has been knotted up in me for 30 years will pull loose and never ball itself up again. 

All I have to do is ignore the part of me that is shouting, “No! Stop! Talk about something else!” The part that has my palms sweating, face flushed, and finger poised to click “Leave meeting.” All I have to do is take a deep breath, and say the thing I’m least inclined to say. 

“Opposite action,” my therapist calls it. The realization that sometimes healing lies in doing whatever it is I’m least inclined to. Making peace while my fists are still clenched. Extending grace when I’ve got them dead to rights. Demanding justice when I could look the other way. 

As Jesus says, “not what I want but what you want.”  

It’s a dangerous phrase. The Church sometimes wields it to convince people they can’t trust themselves. But this isn’t that. It’s a deep knowing of where the gold lies. Where freedom offers to unravel itself. Where God is calling me, out past my fear, in just the other direction from where I was ready to run. 

Prayer
Not what I want but what you want.