Feast of Augustine of Hippo (354-430 CE)
O God, you are my God; I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. – Psalm 63:1 (NRSV)
St. Augustine is one of the Church’s greatest theologians. But many Christians think Christianity took a bad turn in him, mostly because he saddled us with original sin, predestination, a pathological sexual ethic, and a rationale for using state violence to compel orthodoxy.
He wasn’t all bad, of course. Nobody is. Some of the doctrines we most dislike weren’t original to him, nor was he alone in teaching them. And he made towering positive contributions to Christian life and faith as well.
But what some Christians find compelling about him is less about theology and more about soul. This brilliant, impassioned, prolific, driven, arrogant, defensive, pastorally wise, Christ-haunted African bishop went public with his private sins, laying bare in his introspective writings the sordid history of a base and irresolute heart.
Driven by ambition, he wrote, he’d repeatedly gone astray, almost deliberately wounding himself and people he loved. He’d desperately desired to surrender to Christ but was so trapped in destructive habits that he couldn’t. And when he prayed for God to change him, he always hedged, “but not yet.”
Loathe him or love him, you might recognize that heart. It’s not all that unlike our own, with their shames, hurtful habits, myopias, moral hedging, ego traps, and inexpressible longings for God.
Maybe we can meet Augustine there, in soul poverty, in the pain of desire, in the howl for grace. And maybe we could warm a little to a man who, after that grace finally fell hard upon him, could pray like this:
Prayer
“Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new! You were within me, but I was outside. You were with me, but I was not with you. You called, you shouted, you broke through. You flashed, you shone, you opened my eyes. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath, and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger for more.”
About the AuthorMary Luti is a long time seminary educator and pastor, author of Teresa of Avila’s Way and numerous articles, and founding member of The Daughters of Abraham, a national network of interfaith women’s book groups.