What's a poor old goat like me to do?

What's a poor old goat like me to do?

April 11, 2013
Written by Daniel Hazard

Dear Theo,

I'm a starving Ph.D. student with no money and no girlfriend.

What's a poor old goat like me to do?




Dear William,

I'm shocked - shocked! I thought that starving Ph.D. students were the new arm candy.

But since you asked...

When the priest Samuel went to look at Jesse's eight sons to choose the new king of Israel, God told him to pass over the first seven handsome, buff specimens, for skinny tweenage David. God told Samuel, "People look at the outward appearance, but I look on the heart."

Unfortunately, we humans are not as mature as the Lord when it comes to seeing inner beauty. Which is to say: God loves you just as you are, but if you want to be luckier in love, you might need to put a little sumpin' on what God gave you.

Perhaps your problem lies in being an old goat rather than a young sheep. Haven't you read Matthew chapter 25, where the Son of Man sets the sheep at his favored right hand and the goats at his cursed left? I'm not sure if a goat can change its fur or not, but you can at least get a good grooming. Maybe your mustache is maybe a little too ironic? Perhaps the bookbag full of Heidegger is a little off-putting on a first date?

You might ask a trusted friend for an evaluation of the first impression you make. Honest feedback may alert you to the fact that your breath in its unmoderated state is an olfactory approximation of Hell.

You may have noticed that there are plenty of unattractive people with lovers on their arms. Just how did they manage, you ask? People are attracted to confidence. When we know we are beautiful, just as God made us - when we really, really believe that - it translates into hotness, of a sort.

As for the being broke part: baby, welcome to the 99%. The times, they are not a'changing, not yet! As the old hymn goes, "Ramen noodles for today, and bright hope for tomorrow."

Bless you, and may you be a blessing,


Who is Theo?

"Dear Theo" is written anonymously by three UCC ministers of different ages and backgrounds - one main writer and two respite writers. We're hoping the questions will span all kinds of topics: from sexuality and relationships to church culture and conflict to mental health, family drama, ethical and moral dilemmas, and everything in between.

Every week will feature a new letter and a new answer. Please write Dear Theo with your questions and problems by sending to deartheo@ucc.org. Letter writers identities will also ALWAYS remain anonymous.

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